Pretty, Loud, and Misunderstood

Hey there, how’s life treating you lately?

Mine has been calm this week—no sudden urgent tasks disturbing my peace. I really hope it stays that way, at least until May ends.

By the way, doesn’t May feel strangely long? Or is it just me? We’ve got five weekends this month, and as much as I love weekends, it’s kind of killing me that we’re still in the same month. I thought a month only had four weeks? Haha. Anyway, I hope all of you are having better, brighter days wherever you are.

So, back to what I wanted to share in today’s post (I haven’t figured out the title yet—but I’m sure it’ll come by the end). I'm trying to stay consistent with writing, so I made a list of thoughts that have been swirling in my head lately. One of them is about how I think people see me (especially my friends).

Sometimes I wish I could go back and see every person I’ve ever met—just to know what their first impression of me was. A lot of people seem to laugh at what I say… am I really that funny? Maybe I should have been a comedian! These days, comedians earn a lot too, right? But honestly, I don't think I have that “comedian aura.” I probably look boring to most people. (And no, I’m not trying to look-shame myself… oops, maybe I am. Oh dear.)

But really—how do people see me?
Sometimes, I can actually sense it. I can tell when someone’s upset with me or has taken something to heart. Super psychic, right?

People probably think I’m an extrovert. If you looked at my social life, it might seem like I’m the type to be the center of attention—not leading, just standing out and somehow owning the moment. That’s how I might appear from a distance.

But if you look a little closer, you'll see I’m only extroverted around specific people—the ones who’ve passed my “qualification test.” The friends I adore, the ones I love being around. With them, I talk a lot, I share everything, I gossip (ahem, guilty), I dance (yes, even twerk), I sing (badly), and I listen—a lot. If they go quiet, I know something’s wrong.

On the flip side, with new people, I tend to come off as arrogant. I avoid eye contact, barely speak, and honestly, I probably seem like the villain in a drama. It’s like I automatically switch into defense mode around strangers.

That’s why I hate when people say, “I didn’t like you at first.” Like… what?? I thought I was being okay! But maybe I can’t see myself the way they do. Maybe if I looked through their eyes, I’d think the same way. Maybe I just stand out next to my calmer friends, so people assume I’m the problematic one—the loud, wild card who might cause a scene.

But really…
How do you open your heart to new people without fear?
Is there a way to welcome others into your life without worrying if they’ll accept you?

I don’t even remember the exact year I stopped looking for new friends. Maybe it was near the end of my twenties. I started closing the door I used to leave open for anyone. I kept my circle small and close. I’m not against new friendships—but choosing who to share my life with makes me feel safer, happier. The ones who stayed—those are my biological sisters by heart. May Allah bless them with all the happiness in this world!

Now, if you ask them, they’ll probably say I’m a great friend. Shouldn’t they be thankful I exist? Or proud that I’m the only pretty one in the group? Hahaha! (Kidding! …or maybe not.)

In the end, this is just my perspective—how I hope my friends see me. But I know I might’ve hurt them at some point, even without realizing it. Still, they chose to stay… and I hope it’s for a good reason. I truly, truly do.

xoxo_M.